listening to: sorry - alex g

went on a class fieldtrip which was quite fun yesterday.

my friend transferred from another school to my class . and. UUUGH fuck i can't explain how mad i am. not about her transferring. i am Very glad she transferred. she was having like an exceptionally hard time at the other school and it was seriously fucking her over mentally to the point where she had to start taking medication, and she's been telling me she thinks being in one class together is going to help her so much more. and my teacher sent a message in the gc, asking if anyone knows her, but it had so much attitude in it. i hate it when people act like something like this is going to ohhh affect them so badly. i sort of get it for the teacher, since she has to do paperwork and shit probably, which is understandable, but still i believe as a grown adult you should have some level of understanding to not act like that because you never know the reasons for someone transferring. and my classmate was like "her fault" when i said she didn't like it at the other school. as if she was supposed to know she wouldn't like it there? it's her first time at that school. not everyone knows half the city and their life stories like you you stuck up piece of shit. "hopefully later noone leaves and noone comes into our class" haha so funny IT DOESN'T AFFECT YOU. AT ALL. IT MAKES NO DIFFERENCE IN YOUR LIFE. ONE GUY LEFT OUR CLASS AND IT MADE NO IMPACT BECAUSE YOU DON'T TALK TO HIM. IT DOESN'T AFFECT YOU. SHE'S GONNA COME INTO THIS CLASS AND IT WON'T AFFECT YOU EITHER. SO STOP ACTING LIKE IT'S SUCH A HUGE FUCKING DEAL. LEARN SOME FUCKING COMPASSION FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE.

people lack so much compassion. and empathy . and everything. everyone only thinks of themselves they can never even bother to try and imagine what it's like for someone else or how someone else is affected by something that maybe didn't affect them. noone cares about anything Society is failing it's failing so hard everyone is failing noone understand anything so much judgment so much jdugment everywhere everywhere in everyone's faces no matter what you do noone cares I HAate it i hateeveryone i hate evreryone grow up mature abit . It's souppsetting that some of the only people i know that have any sort of understand of anything are the people most wronged in life Yuo didn't deserve that you were not supposed tob e treated like That and it makes me so sad so sad I Used to think i'm not empathetic and that i can't imagine myself in someone else's shoes and maybe i can't sometimes but i get itt and i cn understadn and i can think Unlike everyone else around All of you

listening to: adios - kmfdm

school is ok everything is ok it's mediocre everything is so mediocre and stale and . Yup . Dog with apple picture.

once more my life reaches that point where i feel ignored and cast out by the people i know. you know it's really, just, truly a great feeling, when the 2 friends you know that were acting completely normal with you suddenly just interact on their own, and do everything together, and you are not invited. or listened to. or acknowledged. i feel like there is something wrong with me. like some sort of underlying issue, something Right under my nose that i just. don't know about. but apparently everyone else does. everyone around me knows of it, and knows i'm weird, or that something is wrong with me. and so they don't treat me normally . everyone thinks i'm weird noone likes me or enjoys being around me or will ever love me because there is something so fundamentally wrong wtih me and i don't even know what it is and i just don't even know i don't know i do not know what to do anymore . i wish i was normal i wish i had normal interests and functioned normally and didn't have any of these issues and wasn't so fucked up and didn't have to cut myself to feel better why can i not just be. Normal. why does everyone else know there is something fucked up with me buti don't even know what it is.

to an extent, it feels like my crush is the only one that is vaguely normal to me. but i can't even say that, because i barely talk to him, and we do not really talk outside of school, and he's not interested in me but in my friend. but atleast i do not feel compeltely ignored when he is around. idk. maybe i'm just tweaking and i Tihink he's like that when he is probably not. it's so disappointing to me that he likes her it really is i'm not even saying that from the perspective that I like him . Ok no yes i am nevermind i'm lying yes i totally am . Of course he doesn't know but she's made fun of him and stuff and she does not like him bcak but it's the making fun of him that makes me feel bad maybe i am taking it to deep because of my oown feelings toward the idea of being talked about and stuff but idk i feel bad And ijust i really think i am a much better persn for him or for anyone really i'm so much more open and understanding to things i'm open to all sorts of media i can talk about it all i will listen aand i will un derstand or try to and i cwill care and i won't make fun of you unless you actually fucking deserve it . I'm just better i know that's arrogant and egotistical and all the other words for that and i do not care i really do believe it there is noone better than me . But people will forever find me weird because of how much i talk or other thigns and they never bother to actually get to know me or care or anytign because noone cares and noone cares and noone will care and i'mdoomed i'm so doomed i will never be pleased witth life .

it's so disappointig how people around me are so selfish and annoying and they are so rude for no reason i hate it i ahte yuo all it's also always the neurotypicals god i swearr i hope all fo you get shot just get run over or something because you cleraly deserve it you piece of utter fucking sopping wet mold and shit ridden junk . your parents and god and biology and your dna did not form you and give you life for you to be this muhc of a useless fuck up so leave

i've been reading killing commendatore and it's ok

listening to: bad habit - the dresden dolls

hi site it has been. um. well quite a hot minute once again. i always want to update this more frequently but i end up deciding against it because of a bunch of random things, like not being sure if i should share this on here, or not knowing how to type it out. but maybe it Is best that i update it Occasionally . maybe it makes the contents a little more meaningful.

ok well, i have nothing else to start from, except for school. it has been going pretty freaking well [atleast so far] which i'm pretty happy about. i've just been sort of chilling, n that's all. i presented my english powerpoint and it went fine, so that's one issue out of the way...

the previous[?] week i think, on thursday, which was teacher's day, there were a bunch of 11th/12th graders teaching the classes instead of teachers . and for our lithuanian class our teacher's students [like the class She has . idk if thre is an english word for it. like homeroom teacher, or something] were taking her spot. okay and basically this one guy sat by us and we [me and some irls] played tictactoe . and basically since then us and him are like . 'besties' tbh. okay right. all good. it's a little strange cuz i've. literally never interacted with a guy outside my classes before nonetheless someone older. okay but the issue is. i think i am in love with this guy . like. Okay like he's cute and he's not an ass and i think i seriously want him so bad . but is like vaguely flirty with my other irl, which honestly makes me a little [not evne a little i shuoldn't be lying] jealous, cause, like, Obviously i wish that was me. the only Good thing about that is that she doesn't like him at all, cause she doesn't like people older than her, and some other factors idk... i really doubt any of the other irls in our little group like him either.. so it's just me... But fuck. GOD i can't even explain everything in words all that's been going on. basically tldr i'm in love with this guy and i feel so desperate. he's like an entire head taller than all of us, so hugging him is like a little awkward like why is it so weird to hug tall people. but at the same time i feel very :3 whenever i get to hug him... today we [us 4] were talking, and my irls were talking about something else so i was just listening to him, and i just became. So hyperaware of how tall he is and the fact that ihave to Tilt my head up to look at him and igot so nervous i had to look away [which i probbably have to work on overall But eye contact is so difficult.... As i am typing this he liked my insta story... ANYWYAS

one time this week, we were at mcdonalds [just 3 of us i believe . idk]. and my irl was talking about how she was listening to some of our guy classmates talk about who from the class they'd get with. and guess what. both of my irls were listed, but not me :D i guess it's just what my life is going to be like forever. i don't even know what's so vile about me that noone likes me. i'm a good person there are so many things greater about me than about a bunch of other assholes around me . Ok maybe i shouldn't say that it makes me sound like an incel. "girls always pick the shitty guys and leave the nice guys hanging" type beat.... But seriously. :| idk .

i think that's really it. no other interesting things have been happening. i've been hanging out in the city more frequently, which i've been enjoying so much, as opposed to how i'd usually just drag my ass home and sit in my room. idk . that's all. ciao friends

listening to: the jeep song - the dresden dolls

well it has definitely been a hot minute since my last entry has it not lol.

i don't know where to begin or what to say really. school is going surprisingly well i think. i've starting Enjoying lithuanian and hating math, which is so crazy to me considering my lithuanian grades have been ..well less than great the last several years. but teachers make such a big impact on how well you do in a class and i feel it especially strongly now. also they changed something about the learning material, so basically we're going over 2 years worth of content in one year which is really just. totally great. but i am pulling through!!

today in geography our topic was women's rights, considering that the first part of the book is all about people and the alike. and i think you can only imagine how discussing women's rights goes when the class is full of retarded teenage boys. this one guy that never shuts the fuck up sat behind me [depsite usually not sitting there] and kept asking really fucking stupid questions, and it just makes it so obvious how men lack so much self-awareness, and how their brains never exceed a 2nd grade level, and how none of them know how to actually thing deeply about anything. and what he was saying, whether he was "joking" or not, just made me so sad. it makesme so upset because it just confirms the fact even more that men never cared and never will care about women, they will never see us as equal, they will never take us seriously and will always just laugh in our faces at everything we say. and it just upset me so much it fucked over my day. and the girl i sit with, the only person i'm properly close with in my class, was just ohhh laughing oh so much at his TOTALLY funny questions oh wow they were just SO FUCKING FUNNY OH WOOWWWWWW. it's so irritating. i hate everyone i hate men. and i hate all the women that think their jokes against women are funny in any capacity you people sicken me. and afterwards the same guy was like "it was so funny how the teacher got mad" like. wow man i wonder why. i wonder why the teacher would get annoyed when you're nonstop asking retarded questions. i could never be a teacher. i think i'd kill myself if i had to be answering questions like that all day from people who don't have a single braincell up in their thick skull.

having 2 crushes has sort of leveled me out, and i feel a little more Normal . it's like my feelings for them have vaguely split 50/50 so now when i see them i don't feel as crazy lol. but i still feel like. either sick to my stomach or it's 'butterflies' or whatever. everytime i see crush 1 [metalhead] around the school my knees literally get weak. i'm not even joking it's the most embarrassing thing ever. as attractive as i find them both, and as many daydreams as i have and stuff i could never date either of them. they are so out of my league. i think i'm genuinely just hideous. i can't barely stand looking at myself with clothes on and seeing myself nude makes me feel sick. everytime i look at myself naked it feels like i'm looking at two seperate people . it's like someone took 2 pictures, and cut the heads off each. and then they took the body of one and the head of the other and glued it together to make one. my body looks so disproportionate and so out of place compared to my face, it's just so wrong and everything about my flesh and my appearance and the shapes is wrong it's so wrong and hideous and i can't stand it and i feel ill everytime i have to see myself or even bear the idea that other people see me. i will never be loved like this. noone would love my personality either. it's so hopeless for me. i wish it was all simpler and i wish i looked normal. sometimes i don't feel like myself at all. friends call you pretty and say you look great don't say that when you say you look ugly but it's never going to be true. there is something deeply wrong with me that will forever be unfixable and there is nothing i can do about it.

i finished lolita, it was a pain in the ass to read, but nonetheless an alright book i suppose. currently reading breasts and eggs and it's alright so far i believe. also reading whitehorn's windmill though very slowly. need 2 read it for school but i'm trying to grind out breasts and eggs before i stick to the other. on the topic of books, today while entering math class i set my book down on the desk so i could get stuff out of my bag, and the guy i sit with saw it and was like "you're reading books? what, do you not have hobbies or something?" and laughed. like? what. honestly just seriously what. everytime i'm more and more shocked at the stupidity of men. reading books literally IS a hobby. i do it cuz it's FUN and i LIKE IT. actually unbelievable.

listening to: what it feels to be unloved - happy days

had a bit of a cold but now i'm over it . really pissed off about it cause i was supposed to hang out with a friend on friday but i couldn't. but either way life goes on or whatever.

i try to sort of like. fill up my entries with bigger sentences and stuff but I'm so done . Having a crush makes me vaguely normal for awhile cause i have someone to obsess over but it's not enough i literally just want a boyfriend why is it so fucking hard to make friends and why does noone of the opposite gender ever seem to want to talk to me and only to the people around me. ugh . i fucking hate seeing happy couples around me i don't care if it makes me an ass or something or that i should be happy for other people i seriously don't give a shit

listening to: beware the silence - psychonaut 4

life is mediocre it will always be mediocre it will start mediocrely and despite the few pleasant experiences i have it will always end in mediocrity and there's nothing i can do to improve it because it only manages to slip further and further and further down the slope until i feel like shit again. and then it's summer. and the snow melts and i barely pull myself up the hill with handfuls of grass and dirt and bugs and just as quickly i tumble back downwards as soon as i have to enter a school building and see people and groups and relationships and people.

why is it so hard so absolutely impossible to be pleased and content with what you have in life. i am so envious i am so unbelievably, fucked-up-ingly jealous of everything and everyone all around me it can be such a tiny detail but i will find ways to make myself feel like shit about it and i can never stop. even if i am happy in a certain time and place i still somehow find ways to shred all the pleasant into shit because i am always finding ways to compare myself to other people. it's like it's all on purpose. like god or whatever placed me in such a shitty position where things seem to be ok, but never good enough, but they're never bad enough to properly complain about either. it feels like everyone around me has better experiences. you could be the most miserable person in the world and i'd still find things about you to fuck myself over with. i wish life was simpler. i wish so many things were different. all i do is wish

i am watching fleabag. i am enjoying it. i like the priest.

listening to: podcast

school is . truly suspiciously okay but i guess i can't say much because it's been like 4 days. teachers are ok. classmates are ok too. it's relatively boring but whatver. art teacher was asking who's worked with a tablet and i said i did and she asked me to show her some of my art sometime so now i am stressed... but Meh.

i'm so obsessed with this guy it's kind of unbelievable. i was convinced i didn't like him anymore because i had not seen him Irl in a year or so but it took one glance on the first day and i'm in love with him again and like GRRR. i wish i was social or older or something so fucking bad i want to be at LEAST my friend like please . what the freak.

it needs to get colder so i can actually enjoy being outside...... bleh.

listening to: alcoholism - psychonaut 4

why is having bravery and being confident so hard. why does my brain make me feel so embarrassed over everything why do i have to imagine the worst case scenario about everything why is it so hard for me to talk to people outside of my existing friends. saw a girl with a cool haircut, but i could not for the life of me tell her it was cool. or tell the girl i saw with the soad patch that it's cool. i wish i was extroverted and confident. i wish i had the sort of aura that cis men do because seriously how the fuck are they capable of getting along so easily . but there's no point in trying because if i try to be like that i will never be viewed as like them!!!!!

my crush on the same guy i liked last year has returned and i think it'll be especially bad now because we go the same fucking school. it's so over chat it really is . i wish i was older and in his class or i atleast knew someone who knew him but i Don't and i'm just. guh. i wish icould talk to him or atleast have the strength to say his jacket is cool or something but i don't.

i wish i was Normal i wish i could interact with people properly

listening to: i love (to hurt) you - lifelover

today, during our little fifth or sixth lap around the park, me and a few friends sat down on some benches. and not far by this large [and i mean Large. maybe 10 or more] group of guys was wandering nearby. and i mean i personally didn't really pay attention, cause i don't particularly care most of the time, but this time i looked over and got hit but such an overwhelmingly large wave of loneliness. i don't even mean this in a dysphoric way, but life is so much easier for men. how is it so easy for them to constantly get along. how do men just so casually have so much confidence, how are they capable of meeting another for the first time and immediately seeming as close as friends. it's such a pain in the ass to find friends overall as an antisocial person, but especially as a girl. even befriending other girls is a pain in the ass. and befriending dudes is a topic on a whole other solar system. i will never be seen as equal to them, no matter how i act, or what i do, or look like, or enjoy. i will always be just a woman. i will only ever be seen as Separate from them because i am a girl i will only ever be seen as something that is a date [as much as you can be considered one without anyone actually loving you ever] or below them. and i will never beable to hang out in big groups like that without feeling out of place. even around my own friends i feel so antisocial, and feel like i talk to much or i feel like i get laughed at despite not saying anything funny. why is it so hard to just have friends why is it so hard to be enjoyed by more people why is it so hard to be attractive enough to get talked to by random guys Why is it so hard to be loveable.

i think dating someone as a teenager is already a horrible idea, but even more so horrible considering how the current generation acts when it comes to love [as much as i feel like a boomer saying 'this generation' kek]. i'd say i'd just leave the dating to my 20s, but then the issue at hand is that i know noone. i don't know any dudes, i am not friends with any [atleast not irl]. and i doubt i'll be anymore social than i am already. i despise the idea of dating apps, i wish for a love that starts slow and builds it's way up over time with small gestures and small, loving qualities. i hate the idea of quick dating or "talking stages" whatever the fuck they're supposed to be. but it's so impossible trying to find anyone, nonetheless a MAN, that thinks alike. i think i am doomed to spend my life alone. it's embarassing. it's so embarassing whenever my sister constantly asks me if i have a boyfriend. i seriously don't know who she thinks i am.

listening to: bad habit - the dresden dolls

textbooks have been acquired. everything went surprisingly smoother than i kept being anxious about. thoughts on classmates: i know 3 people, actively only interact with one of them. everyone else is unfamiliar to me [except for one girl i recognize from previous school]. sadly no attractive people but i can live. bunch of assholes as far as the aura goes. i saw a girl with an amon amarth shirt and i realy wanted to compliment it but i never did cause i was too much of a pussy. not looking forward to waking up at 6am just to get ready in time for the bus. but we persevere. the idea of school has sucked the absolute life out of me and i wish to do nothing.

i've been reading lolita lately and i'vebeen enjoying it [as much as you can enjoy lolita].

ihad another thought in mind but i forgot itt so . bleh.

listening to: communist daughter - neutral milk hotel

everything keeps irritating me so badly and it just irks me and i can't stand it i wish everyone would fuck off . School is like 4 days away and i don't know how i'm going to survive. i have one friend i like in my class which i'm pleased about but at the same time i'm so stressed i will never find friends outside of a classmate or two. either way what's the point if i'm gonna sit 2 years and then they're gonna mix up the classes again. whatever.

i have nothing else toshare i just feel like shit i can't even describe it anymore

listening to: lonely eyes - the front bottoms

went tokaunas today it was alot of fun . i picked up three books [lolita [technically i started the lithuanian version at some point but i never finished it but whtever, breasts and eggs, fried green tomatoes at whistle stop cafe] and also a korn cd ^^ and some pocky. i had alloott of fun walking around with my irl n we had some fun discussions n stuf and that's it i jsut feel awesome

listening to: communist daughter - neutral milk hotel

i have to visit the school on the 29th to pick up textbooks, and i am so stressed. the only thing relieving my anxiety is the fact that my period started yesterday, which means i will not be having it during the first day of school. anyways, on the 29th i'm supposed to 'pick up notebooks, meet teachers and classmates' and i am not doing those last 2. okay maybe i'll visit my homeroom teacher, and that's really it. i'm only coming for the book and to take a picture of my classmate list... unless i see anyone exceptionally cool, i will not be sticking around! that is way too stressful. i can't talk to people either way.

the likes-metal-music side of me constantly convinces myself that i am not an actual metal fan. i mean, i don't Call myself a metalhead purely for the reasoning that i don'tlook the part. even if i Dressed the part i would look like such a poser and i don't know . idk. i constantly feel like i have to look the part and consistenly listen to metal to be anywhere near a metal fan because of how other metalheads are . but the thing is . i am not like that!!! i like shitty midwest emo music!! i like shitty little sad instrumental songs!!! i like stupid bands like neutral milk hotel or the front bottoms that are the absolute opposite of metal!! i love metal but it is not my favourite Umbrella Genre of music!!!! and i need to convince myself that that's Ok! I Don't need to Look different to be accepted because i don't need to be accepted in the first place because i can listen to whatever the fuck i want and dress however the fuck i want and the correlation between those two doesn't have to be there!! i think i originally pushed myself into this idea because of the crush i had, and also cause i follow a bunch of metalheads on instagram which are all very cute n stuff. i think the outfits look cool, n i like them, but i can't imagine myself in most of them. . n that's ok...

going to kaunas on friday, and i'm glad that one of my friend's isn't going [although i am not surprised because her parents don't let her anywhere anyways]. i'm excited that i'll be able to leave my house. i will probabyl waste money on books again. i need to talk my irl into Just walking around random spots to look for anything cool. might bring my camera along, but i don't want to seem like an idiot with it, but it's whatever hoenstly. i want to invest in one of those small, like, pocket cameras. yuo know the ones. cause i don't feel like hauling around a canon camera everytime i want to take nice pictures, and my phone already has no space for stuff. plus the camera sucks, and not in an aesthetically pleasing way

as a end note, berry tea [picture related. not mine. but related] sucks. i hate it. no amount of sugar or differences in leafs and shit will ever make it good.

listening to: preludietto - alessandro alessandroni

my own identity feels so warped and misshapen to me . i never feel like i am truly myself , like there is any sort of actual me . everyone is a mixture of the people around them to an extent, but i feel like despite that i haven't formed anything to be myself . i consistently depend on other people to help me form certain opinions , i have my own interests but they never feel truly Mine . i cannot feel my own emotions as i subconsciously think them out as my own characters , and i can't deal with them on my own either, and i try to rationalize them by applying them to my characters , and my thoughts never feel properly mine , in my mind the voice always takes place of my own fucking character s. so do the actions i do . my movements . certain things i experience . the people i see around me . it's like a curse . i can't tear them off myself and my identity as they stick to me like parasites something i simply cannot extract from myself they are all that i think of and my mind is blank whenever i'm not thinking about them and my actions feel stupid and embarrassing unless i imagine something i created experiencing it instead of me and it's sucked away my own person to the point that i do not know what i am with out them. but i will never deny that i love them . becausethey are the only thing that keeps me sane anymore.

i still constantly crave things like a romantic relationship or affection i think of myself holding hands , someone resting their palms on my leg or walking home with me under star ridden sky someone i can sleep next to someone i can read to and listen read to me , someone who will hold me and care for me someone that will love whatever mush i am no matter how much i melt to unrecognizeable messes and freeze back into a sculpture of myself . but i'm also so. so fucking scared of it. i'm so scared of whatcomes before . the talking . the rejections i'll probably experience , the awkwardness . noone will ever be attracted to me . there is nothing likeable about me . i can't talk to people , people don't talk to me , i can never start up conversation with anyone new unless someone i already know , knows Them. i will think of it but i will never do it because of all the visions of rejection and people laughing at me afterwards and mentioning how stupid i seemed to their friends . but i can't help it i can't help but daydream and fall in love and obsess over people and build versions of them in my head of something they probably aren't and never will be because that is all i know to do .

listening to: youtube video

well all my anxiety about the town event came true and i had. what i believe tobe the worst fucking experience of the summer! i went there, in hopes of seeing atleast one person i recognize , and i Did [even tho i don't even talk to this girl much]. except she was with a friend , and so i ended up awkwardly following them around for 5 or so minutes, and spending the rest of the hour sitting around alone like a fucking loser . and had to walk home almost on the verge of sobbing because of just how fucking lonely the entire experience was. i ended up returning awhile later with my sister , and essentially had the exact same experience except it was a bit more bearable becuz. well. it was my sister. so idk. i llove not having friends i love relapsing. i wasn't expecting a complete repeat of last year , but i was expecting Something. but while i was there i realized that last year was basically the same thing, except i said hi to a few more people . but even theni didn't have a single normal conversation with any of them, and just followed everyone around like some fucking loser!! i think i would've left to go home alot earlier, but there was 1[one] attractive guy there and it was unironically my first time seeing a metalhead in lithuania and i jsut wanted to stare at him more so i stuck around..... but either way i feel liek shit and if my school year is like that i'll end up killing myself. it feels kind of ironic that when i was walking home with my sister my brain immediately went to daydreaming to cope with how badly i felt .

on a lighter note [i guess], my friend wants to go to kaunas next week, so hopefully something will plan out

listening to: sober to death - car seat headrest

why am i so lonely. why is it so hard to make proper friends and why is it so hard to find people i actually enjoy being around and why is it so hard for anyone to ever be interested in me . why do i have to resort to my imagination to comfort myself whenever i feel alone . why can't i have someone by my side who will hold my hand and be affectionate and care for and about me and listen to what i have to say , someone who will go places with me . But it is hopeless . god intended for me to not have a love life and it sucks . i wish i was more attractive or more likeable but i am not and there's nothing i can do about it.

listening to: youtube video

i don't even know anymore

my dad was being a huge asshole yesterday and i'm not even going to try and explain anything but ihope he goes and fucking hangs himself because i do not fucking care for his existence. he can complain about his daughters not talking to him all he fucking wants because it won't change anything when he doesn't know how to fucking act like a normal human being. yesterday [and by yesterday i mean approximately 3-4am today] my mom called him a faggot and he got really upset about it which was kind of funny but it also wasn't cuz he hit her after that but how insecure do you have to be to get so offended by being called a faggot.

we watched the meteor shower yesterday which was fun saw quite a few meteors some were really bright which was cool..

listening to: we can't afford (your depression anymore) - car seat headrest

it's a little annoying how i've been frequently asking my mom about the eyebrow piercing, and it feels like she Does not care. like. she asked one question when i first somehow talked her into it, and the place said they didn't have the right jewelry, and she did not ask when they'd have any, or anything like that. YES i do understand it's sort of MY issue considering it's going to be MY piercing, but it's just really frustrating that she doesn't seem to even try and be interested in this think i want. she was against it, and as soon as she let me she stopped giving a shit. "oh i don't have time i'd rather your sister dig around and find something" FIND WHAT!!! I FOUND THE PLACE. ON MY OWN. I SHOWED YOU THE PLACE. I HAD TO TALK YOU INTO SENDING A MESSAGE. FIND WHAT. and i feel like an asshole everytime i bring it up but it's really annoyng because i really want it before school but it feels like no matter what i do noone fucking listens to me, and i don't want to seem like a fucking dumbass messaging the place myself!!!

i'm just geetting rly annoyed n just Uugghh i might as well start being annoying to her until she bothers to do anything. she definitely has the time because as soon as she gets home from work , she spends the entire time watching shows/texting her old coworker. i don't think d oing a google search or two is that much work.

i just can't wait until i'm legal age and can just go do it myself , because clearly noone else seems to bother with it

listening to: no children - the mountain goats

seperate entry, because i dont want to editthe other one

lately been feelign like i just. Lack creativity. when it comes to like. everything. like i mean i have ocs, i draw, i write, but it never feels creative enough, especially my art. yes i can imagine maybe if i study and whatever it'd get better maybe but. that's so muhc work and i am not mentally burdening myself with all of that atleast not now. i don't know i haven't feel so shitty about my artwork in ages, but suddenly it's all rushing back and suddenly i find myself comparing myself to other artists again when i haven't done it in years, and when i feel as if i got aorund that thought by distracting myself it just all comes back. sometimes i wish i just wasn't an artist at all, but at the same time i am sort of glad, because atleast i'm better at something than Other people. n don't have to feel That sad about myself.

listening to: overexposed (enjoy) - car seat headrest

been having a really mediocre week. idk what's up, but i've been in such a shitty and unmotivated and just frustrated mood all day long n it's really annoying and i'm bored and just pissed off at everything i don't even know. might be the fact that school is coming up

i have three[3] more social 'outings' or whatever this month [i can't think of a better description] and i am slightly dreading every single one a little bit more than the previous. first i have my friend's birthday on the 10th, which i'm excited for a tiny bit, but at the same time very meh about it. i have a present for her and everything so idk. just hopefulyl i'm not in a shitty mood that day. second, i have a festival type thing in my town. and i'm dreading it Alot. because everyone will be there. and people my age will be there that i used to talk to but don't. and they all are aware that i don't leave my house, and every year i get asked why i don't go outside or anything. n then they saythey'll invite me or something, and i never get invited, and i just dread seeing their faces. tho maybe this year it'll be better, since i'm not like, miserable and depressed, so hopefully i will live! also i have horrible [but also great. but horrible.] memories of last year. Still pissed at the guy who stole my cat ear headband. anyways, third i have this sort of meetup thing towards the end of the month where i have to visit my new school and pick up textbooks/meet teachers/meet classmates. i do not even want to try thinking about this.

either way, having to leave my house Four times for reasons unrelated to school in a month [one has passed that's why i didn'tmention it] is too much for my simple mind to handle but i think i will live!!!! hopefully!!! idk. still worried about the same reasons as always, idk idk idk

my irl has been. so annoying about her crush today. but not like obnoxious like she's nonstop talking abuot him cuz i could care less if she did that. i mean she was gonna message him and she was Not doing it and doubting it and like YES I UNDERSTAND being scared of doing that i've had that before but you've LITERALLY ASKED HIM THE SAME THING BEFORE. so why are you scared of asking AGAIN. it is not that big of a deal. "oh i'll just wait for tomorrow maybe he'll message me happy birthday" ok what if he doesn't. then what. LIEK UUUGHHHH. n she got a reply n she was like "i have this urge to just say 'oops wrong person'" LIKE SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GET OVER IT. sry.

still on the topic of relationships, on tiktok i reposted a video that went along the lines of "me when i see my friends having relationships and romantic things happening but noone even looks at me". and can yuo guess who liked that video. THE ONE IRL I HAVETHAT I KNOW HAS A BOYFRIEND. THAT SHE IS VERY MUCH IN LOVE WITH. LIKE??? THAT POST WAS LTIERALLY litrally directed at you like . i don't know dawg.

anyways. life is mediocre . i am not looking forward to anything . please someone put a bullet in my skull

listening to: the beers - the front bottoms

while i was waiting for my mom to pick me up, i picked up a copy of nemunas, which is essentially a lithuanian culture and art magazine. worth the entire 6 euro [well 5.90 but you know]. i've been enjoying it Alot, and honestly i didn't even know they sold art magazines here. i mean i had a vague idea that they probably exist but for some reason i never really bothered to browse the mag/newspaper section of stores. either way, it's really made me think about how i want to visit more museums or exhibitions in the upcoming future. obviously, the only downside is that in my city there is nothing like that, and it'd require me to go to other cities. which, well ermm, i cannot do alone. not only cause my mom will not let me, but also because i am terrified of being in my own city alone, and being in another one is even more terrifying cause i would Definitely get lost or something like that.

but either way, it's still definitely in my plans! i've always wanted to visit more places, but i never have the money or time or just opportunity overall to go anywhere. even with my family it's a pain in the ass, as much as i can tell my mom wants to go places too, my dad being an ass and never wanting to go anywhere OR let my mom go anywhere makes it an issue. but oh well.

i really wish i had more friends in real life that share more interests with me. not like i Don't have any like that i mean i do, but i want More. if that makes sense. i want someone who's jsut as interested in looking deeply into art pieces or other forms of media, or listens to the music i like. someone that i could gladly invite to go visit places with me and go look at interesting things around the country without being worried that they won't be interested. cause it sort of feels like that all the time. whenever i go to kaunas with my friend, all we ever do is visit the mall or two, and then walk around looking at other stores. which i don't mind. last time we entered a guitar shop which was pretty cool, but at the same time i don't want to just go into stores all the time [as much as i love windowshopping lol]. i want to visit buildings and look at attractions andstuff like that, but i feel like she'll get bored if we do. plus, it seems that every single person despises walking. like, yeah maybe it is a pain in the ass to walk far, but as long as you are excited to see the thing you're walking to, then i think it's ok. i personally enjoy walking, but sometimes it feels like it'd be less of a pain in the ass if i was walking alone and had my headphones.

i'm still pretty nervous for school and the idea of. err everything relating to it. i'm worried about having to make friends. i can handle being around different sorts of people, cuz i think i adapt to others quite well, but i'm just worried that there will be noone that i can share interests with, because then it's just not really fun. but oh well. that's what i get for living in this shithole [as much as i love said shithole :)]

listening to: the plan (fucks jobs) - the front bottoms

sometimes i feel like me cutting myself is never enough to prove how shitty i feel . i feel like because i don't cut on my arms and that it's not visible then my suffering isn't actually there , n that maybe i'm making it all up and it's not even that bad . i never cut on like my arms n just on my thighs because it's easier 2 hide and if it was on my arms people would bother me and i'd be treated differently which sounds really fucking annoying and i don't want it but at the same time i feel like i'm Supposed to be cutting myself somewhere visible so people know tht i'm just miserable and a loser . something about scars on arms is so much more appealing but everyone would see it, and i'd be pestered about it, and i don't want any of that . i don't want to be treated differently jsut cuz i selfharm but at the same time i want people to be aware that i'm worse off than them . idk . i know it's kind of messed up to say that, but i'm not sure if i can help it

listening to: burning pile - mother mother

mother mother is surprisingly good when you don't constantly associate it with annoying kinnies on tiktok. but like, seriously .

my art motivation is still kind of Meh but i drew 1 [one] awesome haru drawing today and i'm very pleased with it and i think that's enough for now i think . played arsenal.. so fun... i haven't played arsenal or roblox fps game as awhole in awhile and Despite raging oh so fucking much it was so fun Eheheheehe

listening to: intersection - modern baseball

i am so incredibly lonely and touchstarved why can't anyone show interest in me . dear god just strike me with a bolt of lightning already

didn't wanna edit other entry

listening to: love song - jack off jill

happy august to friends and alike . summer is [slowly] nearing an end and that stresses me out in many different ways but we persevere

sometimes i think about how . just . Unattractive i am. like. i don't feel selfconscious anymore, or atleast not everyday, but i still consider myself really average or below looking. there r things wrong with my appearance and there's something just ugly about my face or how i'm built. n i don't think any amount of makeup or clothing could change it. there are lots of things out in the world that i'd kill to wear, and stuff like that, but i just know it'll never look right on me no matter how hard i try and it's a little upsetting. i feel a little melancholy knowing i'm the average looking person of the friendgroup, and that noone that comes up to my friends and i will ever be coming near for Me and always for other people. but it's ok i guess

very tired and my motivation is seeping out [in a bad way] through all ends and idk what to do or anything . it's been rainy and windy .. liek the entire season and as much as i love it it is just too fall-like and i feel like dookie. so stressed about school i cannot even begin to explain, lol.

listening to: good god - korn

not much done today except draw

my sister was over, and we were chatting a bit and she was upset that i don't follow her on instagram.. anyways we were chatting and it was making me realize how much more close with my own family i've become this year. like overall i talk to my family more. idk, it's probably cause i'm not rly depressed anymore and i finally have the energy to be social and actually Enjoy being social . which is weird considering i've always thought i hated it and was not built for social interaction. anyways, i'm pretty happy with it, cause idk being closer with my mom and my sister has just made me a happier individual overall. love them .

life is good. goodnight

listening to: any fourteen - terrible people

changed the date format because it kept pissing me off

lately, especially maybe this month i've been daydreaming alot. not like i don't do that everyday already, i mean, i Do. it's just i spend all my time thinking about my ocs but lately it's been more of a vague or broad sort of daydreaming, where i zone out [like usual] but instead of thinking about my ocs i nonstop think about having a very specific type of friendgroup or like.. a boyfriend. as cringy as it sounds... i can't really explain it idk. i haven't really had ideas like these in like a year or so n it's pissing me off because they make me feel so LONELY.

idk i just wish i had a partner of some sorts . i just want to hold hands or cuddle or share like cigarettes. liek i want to go to other cities via train and walk around and have coffee together or something like that. or something like idk i just want some sort of romantic affection, because only ever getting affection from my family [only the women] or my irl friends [all girls] is like.. Meh? like i appreciate it and i enjoy it and everything . liek physical affection is my thing but i want ROMANCE!!!! but it's hopeless for me to try and find anyone likeable in this hellhole of a country, because everyone is just a bunch of fucking retards, especially anyone of the other gender. so i have to make do with my loneliness. i blame scott pilgrim and pinterest for all my problems. and midwest emo. and my ocs.

listening to: lone star - the front bottoms

was sitting in the kitchen with my mom making sandwiches, and spent the entire time talking abuot my dad and stuff like tht and it was the first time i Didn't cry when we talk about him! soi think that's an improvement. feeling like shit cause talking about it makes me feel more upset for my mom than just sad overall .

i have nothing else to add . the sandwiches r good.

listening to: chuchu lovely munimuni muramura prinprin boron nururu rerorero - maximum the hormone

today, for the first time in what i believe is five or so years, i was HOME ALONE!!!!! i cannot describe the amount of fucking tranquility and PEACE that i experienced today. i wish there were more days like this but it's whatever. atleast i got one!!!

my period started and i feel like Killing myself. all day long i've been in pain and my back has been hurting like never before so i've essentially been bedridden half of the day. no ibuprofen or nothing in the house except for a tab of nalgesin that ihad in my bagbut i took that ages ago and it didn't help at all so i'm left suffering. please dear god fucking kill me.

i'm still reading before the coffee gets cold. it's unreal how hard i find it to read when i'm at home but i've been reading today and i'm enjoying it alot so far. i was reading on the balcony and one of our cat's kept rubbing up against me the entire time and trying to jump into my lap..

listening to: chuchu lovely munimuni muramura prinprin boron nururu rerorero - maximum the hormone

i cannot stop looping this fucking song . new chainsawman chapter was sort of crazy i had completely forgotten about this song and now it's the only thingi can listen to i am absolutely fucking screwed

very uneventful day. sat around in my moms car while she was doing work in kaunas which was pretty chill because i get to be outside of my house...

i've been writing this stupid fucking thing since yesterday and i'm not done and i can slowly feel my ideas and motivation crumbling but i'm convincing myself to finish it. because ermmm just yah!

currently having the strangest feeling stomachace of mylife. i am in pain. Goodnight.

listening to: me vs your friends - the flat stanleys

there is a bug in my room and it's in the very corner of my wall and not moving so i can't hit it with anything to kill it so i am writing this while i wait for it to move

feeling sort of meh feeling ok today i think i don't have much input relating to that to offer. mom offering to go with her while she does work in kaunas so i'll probably get to sit around and read or something so i might go and i also want to be outside of my house more frequently :pp

i keep thinking about this festival town thing happening where i live and the idea is stressing me out beyond belief. last year during this same event i met that fucking metalhead i had an awful crush on but now i'm over him + i don't believe he'll be here 2 years in a row. but ohh my god those memories will haunt me forever. i'll still go probably but i'm really stressed about seeing people from my town because i know them i just don't talk to ANY of them and it's sort of awkward. like last year i kept getting asked why i don't go outside, and they were telling me they'd invite me next time but like that won't happen because we literally don't talk so why lie about it... but oh well. i think this time will be a little more fun because i feel alot less selfconscious post-haircut-and-new-glasses so being less insecure i just feel alot better doing basically everything [obviously]. so i'm. sort of unsure. but i will live i think! still worrying about skewl tho.

also i saw a really cute backpack on saturday in the store but it's too small for like everyday school use which i'm so upset about dawwgggg...

on an ending note, the bug has not moved yet

listening to: screaming at forgotten tears - xasthur

the weather has been oddly cold for a summer this year, this month especially. it's been cold and rainy which reminds me alot of fall and i can feel the complete and utter autumn misery start to wash over me again. in all honestly, i do miss it abit. selfloathing all the time and being able to pity myself and just be miserable in peace, but i also absolutely despise it and it drives me nuts. especially now with the shit weather, i feel like shit and i feel the loneliest i've felt since i was depressed as shit. as great as this year was it's all coming to an end and the cycle will repeat again and there's nothingi can do to stop it. i relapsed and the count starts over again. like it does every stupid fucking time.

i feel like i'm not grateful enough about the friends that i Do have in real life. i'm not saying they're bad, or anything like that. i cherish them i do, and i love being around them all, but it always feels like i'm missing something. or missing out. i keep seeing videos and shit from people i follow and they're hanging out at concerts and alike with their friends and it somehow feels like i'm. just. missing out. as much as i enjoy everyone i know irl, i don't actually Share interests with. any of them. like at all. "reading" may be an interest, but when the person you're talking to doesn't read the same genres, or fucking sucks at interpreting things and thinking deeply about shit, it's not even fun. i wish i had close people around me outside of the internet that actually enjoy the things i do and stuff.

i've been hoping the upcoming school year is better. i'm swapping schools and the idea is stressing the shit out of me, but at the same time i'm sort of feeling refreshed sort of, that i can actually see new people and not the same classmates i've known for the past several years. but there's no actual point in looking forward to it, because there will literally be noone that i connect to deeply and it makes me want to rip my skin off.

i do not know what to do with life anymore.

listening to: i'm not a good person - pat the bunny

good day today!!! my dad was a bit of an ass but he got over it suspiciously quickly but whtever.

we went shopping ermm i got some junk finally a new sketchbook which i'm excited to use.. not much else rly happened today i don't think.

picked up before the coffee gets cold at a bookstore and read a few pages in the car [as much as i could before i got nauseous] n i read what it's abt and it seems really cool so far so i will definitely finish it quickly maybe tonight or something. also the cover is rly cute so....

i think my mom was reading my mind today. no elaboration needed i just think we were on the same wavelength today

listening to: too late to call an ambulance - psychonaut 4

last update for tonight. doing oc thinking to try and distract myself from things

i think maturing is realizing that both of my parents are assholes in their own ways. like maybe not directly to me but the more i think about it the more screwed and fucked up everything about the both of them is and as much as it makes my gut turn to think about my mom ever being in the wrong it's only true n i feel like shit thinking about it

who doesn't love listening to their parents argue everyday, and listen to their mother beating their father. tho i think it's deserved for him to an extent, as he's been a fucking massive freeloader for the past 5-6 years and all he ever does is make everyone's life more miserable but at the same time i think it'd be so much simpler to just get divorced instead of going through all of this but the don't do it and it makes me mad. like you KNOW that's it's affecting everything and everyone in a negative matter and don't even bother doing nothing about it.

anyways. last update tonight i think. will try to do things. i sort of want to code another website just for ocs, but i'm not sure if i want to put myself through all that torture again. but i might. goodnight.

listening to: pyrocynical video

well then!! ihave returned home after watching the barbie movie.. i liked it i think it was a fun movie and the visuals were very apppealing my only disappointment is the fact that in the end she wore that ugly brown blazer and didn't keep wearing pink.. but i sort of get it isuppose. win for barbie!

while i was waiting for my mom by the theatre i saw this one dude sitting with his friends but he was reading a book while his friends were talking about somethihng... literally me i do that... the world needs more people like that i think

this thought is really offtopic from the rest, but i just thought about how i. feel like i'd feel strange dating someone who Hasn't cut themselves before. because like. people that don't cut themselves see your scars or something and they go "YOU CUT YOURSELF???? DON'T DO THAT OMMGGGG :((" like shut UUUPPPPP i just feel like it'd be somewhat Okay-er being with someone who knows what it feels like to resort to selfharm and they'd jsut... get it. but whtever. still feeling extremely desperate for a boyfriend of any kind but at this point i've sort of... like. adapted? to the idea of literally never dating anyone and it truly doesn't affect me as badly as it did when i was depressed . which is honestly great to know. just sort of chilling nowadays which is very pleasant.. obviously when i think about it i get a little :/ but i don't spend everyday sulking over it like i used to

would kill for a cigarette right about now